Fun with Government Officials

After yet another morning spent at the light on Coldspring Lane and the JFX, I wrote a complaint letter to Mayor O'Malley about this whole light problem. Not one to write a normal letter, here's what I came up with...

How the Light Stole the Commute
With apologies to Dr. Seuss!

Every driver
Off Cold Spring
Liked driving a lot...
But the Light,
That lived just North of Cold Spring
Did NOT!

The Light hated driving!
The whole driving season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his bulb wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his bulb was too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his timer was two sizes too small.

But,
Whatever the reason,
His bulb or his timer,
He stood there on Cold Spring, hating the drivers.
Staring down from his perch with a sour expression
At the warm, seated drivers stopped in their progression.
For he knew every driver down on that JFX
Was exceedingly late and getting more and more vexed.
And the more that the Light thought of them getting to work
The more the Light thought, "I must act like a jerk!

"Why for forty-five years I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop the drivers from moving!...
But HOW?"
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE LIGHT
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" laughed that electronic fiend.
"I won’t ever, no never, NO NEVER turn green.”
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Grinchy trick!”
My bulb will not change, my timer won’t click!
“Those kids down at Poly, they think they’re so cool,
“I’ll stop them from ever getting to school!
“They’ll sit on the highway, not reading, not learning,
“And better and better, their gas will keep burning…”

"Pooh-pooh to the drivers!" he was grinch-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no light change is coming!
"They're just pulling up! I know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"Then the drivers on Cold Spring will all cry BOO-HOO!"
"That's a noise," grinned the Light,"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And the Light put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising out from a Jeep.
It started in low. And it wasn’t a beep...
Or a honk…why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so!
But it WAS merry! VERY!

He stared down at Cold Spring!
The Light popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every driver on Cold Spring, the tall and the small,
Was driving! Without any light change at all!
He HADN'T stopped traffic from moving!
IT MOVED!
In a manner of which a cop wouldn’t approve.
Cars at the light, that should have stayed still,
Moved, two by two, into traffic, at their drivers’ free will.

And the Light, with his light-top-up-high-on-the-bar,
Hung puzzling and puzzling: "How could go those cars?
They moved without warning! Those Fords and those Rangers!
Right out onto Cold Spring, ignoring the dangers!"
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Light thought of something he hadn't before!
"Those drivers on Cold Spring," he thought, "they simply don’t care
"They won’t let me stop them from getting somewhere!"
The drivers don’t really care if they’re hit,
All they’re thinking is “I don’t have time for this [edit].”

But the drivers in cars still remembered the dangers,
To their Volvos and Jettas, their Fords and their Rangers.
They thought, “I cannot sit by and stay mute
And let a bad light mess up my commute.”
And the drivers in cars, those Volvos and Jettas
Thought, “I know just the way to make it all better.
I’ll call up O’Malley and he’ll start to work
On timers too small and lights that are jerks!

And what happened then...?
Well...in Bawlmer they say
That Martin O’Malley, he saved the day!
The Mayor got that old light working right,
And traffic, it flowed, through the day and the night
And the drivers, they left that old JFX,
With less hassles and less of a chance of a wreck.

And those drivers, well they did much to remember
The work that O’Malley had done in November.
They drove to the polls, and there they concurred
That O’Malley should be our next governor!

A take your kid to work day poem

It’s 8 AM and all is well,
But this day soon is shot to hell.
Invaders from the kinder care
With plans your workday to impair!

You’re sitting quietly at your desk
But turn around to find a mess
Your plant uprooted and markers strewn
Around your peaceful office room.

The parents are at their last wits end
And pass them to you, their single friend.
They shout: “Entertain Joe or Bob or Billy!
You need the practice too, you silly.”

You grit your teeth and try to work
You resolve to call the pharmacy clerk.
No way in Hades will this happen to you
And you tell these wayward brats to “Shoo!”

Now kids are great, please let me say.
There’s just too many on this one day.
Small and mighty, they pack a punch.
Thank God, they’ll only stay through lunch.

The Americans' Creed

"I believe in the United States of America as a government of the people, by the people, for the people; whose just powers are derived from the consent of the governed, a democracy in a republic, a sovereign Nation of many sovereign States; a perfect union, one and inseparable; established upon those principles of freedom, equality, justice, and humanity for which American patriots sacrificed their lives and fortunes.

"I therefore believe it is my duty to my country to love it, to support its Constitution, to obey its laws, to respect its flag, and to defend it against all enemies."

-- Written 1917 by William Tyler Page, accepted by the United States House of Representatives on April 3, 1918.

I first saw these words yesterday while I was wandering around the Maryland State House, and for the past 24 hours, I've been wondering why Americans have never learned to recite these words as faithfully as they recite the Pledge of Allegiance. These words are, in my opinion, far less controversial than the pledge, and to my knowledge, they are the same words that Page inteded. The Pledge has been changed twice - with objections from Francis Bellamy and again by Bellamy's daughter - and now it's facing a third challenge. The original pledge failed in that it wasn't specific enough. In it's first incarnation, the pledge only said "my flag and the republic for which it stands." That was fine with Bellamy as he intended it to be a multi-use pledge for any citizen of any nation. When the US government decided that they needed to change it to "the flag of the United States of America," Bellamy objected. When, in 1952, President Eisenhower changed the pledge to include the words "under God," it was Bellamy's daughter's turn to object.

My problems with the pledge is that it aligns itself to a symbol of the country, not the ideals and principals that make the United States the great land it is today. A symbol is great, don't get me wrong, but you actually need that symbol in the room in order to pledge allegiance to it. The creed is different. It reminds us of why our forefathers and mothers risked life and limb to get here, it doesn't require a flag in the room, and it tells us what we should do to show our allegiance. It may be longer than the Pledge, but at least the content is clear.