The Lonely Lawyer

Well, that’s $24 and 45 minutes I’ll never get back.

Those were the first thoughts that had crossed my mind when I left the Wine Market after my date with Chris. Yes, for those keeping score, that is now the eight or ninth Chris in my dating career (though the first one this year). This one, like most of the Jims, will never make it past the first date. So sad for him.

If you know the story of how we met, you can skip this part…If you don’t, keep reading…

Chris and I had originally started talking on Match.com. Then, about a month ago, I ran into him at SpeedDating. Of course, I didn’t realize who he was until the girls and I were doing the post-event analysis. It took him two more days, but he FINALLY got a clue, and he asked me out.

The night of our supposed first date, I was working around the clock and cancelled on him. Then, I was ill for two weeks, then he was ill, and needless to say, we kept missing each other. The problem was that we also stopped emailing each other except to set up/cancel the date. By the time we finally settled on last night, I had forgotten who this guy was and why I was even going out with him.

Which brings us to last night…

Since I never know how much time it takes to get anywhere in Baltimore, I arrived 15 minutes early. I did what any self-respecting early-girl would do; I bellied up to the bar and ordered. You can tell a lot about how the night is going to go by the bartender you meet, and this guy had a stick so far up his butt that I knew that the night was in for a bad turn. I ordered my Sangria ($3 at the bar, not sure how much it is at a table, but all in all, pretty good).

Chris arrives, and though I had assumed that we were meeting for drinks as most normal first dates do, he says, “So, do you want to go to the table?”

Oh wait, we’re having dinner!!??!!

The first thing I noticed about him was that he wasn’t moving his right arm. We’re talking Bob Dole here people. Considering that I know people our age who have had strokes, I didn’t comment. However, I kept watching to see if I was being paranoid or if there was really an issue. When he took his coat off, I realized that he wasn’t a stroke victim, he was just lazy.

We sat down, and the complaining started before his rear hit the chair.

First, it was too cold in the restaurant. Then, the wine tastings (Which we weren’t on in the first place) were too expensive…though, his outer/inner monologue kept pressing on with “But at least you get a light meal with that.” Then, he couldn’t figure out what size wine to get. Was 3 oz. too little (standard size is 4 oz for those playing at home)? Was 6 oz too much? I, of course, was too polite to order the super-mag of wine that I needed to get me through this. And why couldn’t he get the Happy Hour wine that I had?? Finally, though he claimed to know wines, and finally ordered a Riesling, he didn’t know how to say it. It wasn’t as bad as ChaBLISS, but it was close, and this is a guy who claimed to know all about wines and the local vineyards!

Side note to those who are planning to patronize the Wine Market in Locust Point: Stay at the bar for the Happy Hour specials. Twenty feet can make a lot of difference.

He started slamming on the people he went to college with. He doesn’t keep in touch with any of them, and I got the sense that he felt superior to all of them – especially the one who works at The Home Depot because he couldn’t find a “real job” after college. He was just going on and on about how dumb this guy was. I was flailing for conversation, so I brought up the Olympics. Though he claimed to like sport, he didn’t know anything about any of the Olympians or the sports. He also accused Home Depot of false advertising in their claims of employing more Olympians than any other company. I even told him where the claim came from (I’m a geek; I looked it up!) and he said it was still false advertising. I started to think he was the dumb one.

Then, Baltimore took a beating. Thankfully, I had been warned about his feelings about taxes from one of the girls who met him at Speed Dating. This meant that instead of getting offended, I spent the time trying not to laugh in his face. I’m sure whomever the rant before heard the exact same text because it sounded like he was reciting from memory!! To sum up…he hates the city in general, the BCPD, the taxes, and the government. He lives in the suburbs of Ellicott City, which is nice and a great place to raise kids (!!!). I started to think he was a little creepy. Really kids, is this proper first date conversation? I think not.

He asked about my job and why Good Morning America was at my house (They were supposed to come interview Jules but ended up canceling. That’s another story.) Then, when I was explaining Airtroductions, he got confused about the basic concepts and called it a “stupid idea,” (which was basically cover-speak for “I don’t get it, and I’m done looking like an idiot”). At that point, I knew there was no going back.

All though this time, we were eating. Well, I should say that I was nibbling because most of the conversation fell to me. He, on the other hand, was chowing down on like Jesus Christ on Holy Thursday. That right arm was active now, and it held the fork that stabbed his fish (hey buddy, they DO kill it before they cook it, you know) and shoved it in his mouth. I’ll admit that I did get some sense that he was trying to get out of there pretty quickly, but to eat with his mouth open was just plain rude. Then, he kept quizzing me about things so I couldn’t eat. Finally, I declared myself full (with only about 3 bites taken), and got the waitress to box it for me. MMMMMM, Lamb for Lunch!!

Finally, the bill arrived. Again, as is common first date polite custom, I reached for my wallet. Normally, I expect a guy to go, “I’ve got this one,” but no, he starts scrutinizing the bill and I…KID…YOU…NOT…goes, “Ok, well, it looks like it’s $18 for you.”

I threw my card down as serenely as possible, and when she brought it back, I put on enough of a tip to cover my 20% and a little extra for all the sympathetic glances she gave me. Then, he goes, “So how much tip are you putting on…” like it’s any of his business! Apparently, in his calculation, he figured his tip into his contribution and expected me to cover all of it. I did some quick math, realized I was being had, and kept on doing what I was doing.

I’m practically RUNNING for the door now, but first we have to traverse the obstacle that is the wine store. In one of his rants (this one about the wine store), he kept claiming that they didn’t have any of the Maryland wines. I was out to prove him wrong and succeeded beautifully. The first rack we got to, I saw three BALTIMORE COUNTY vineyards and told him that. He didn’t believe me until I pulled out the bottles of Basignani, Woodholme and Boordy and showed it to him. “Oh,” he tried to cover, “those are Maryland wines? Are you sure? The only one I know is Linganore.”

I thanked him for a lovely evening, and told him that I’d call him should I ever wish to go out again. Considering that the chances of that happening are about as slim as Mary Kate Olsen being caught eating a hamburger, I’m hoping that he’s not waiting by the phone.

Starbucks

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the movie Groundhog Day – that film where Bill Murray’s character, Phil Connors, is forced to live the same day over and over again. Though I know that it’s a movie, it’s pretty much the story of my life right now. Monday through Friday, I get up at the same time, I do the same things, and I watch helplessly as the days blend together. It’s getting so bad that the guy at Einstein Bros. starts putting my bagel and shmear together as soon as he sees my car in the parking lot (not an everyday occurrence, but I do order the same thing every time I’m there). Phil’s problem was, clearly, more drastic than this, but he took advantage of the monotony to right wrongs, save lives, and make changes within himself. The town and day may remain the same, but Phil himself changes in ways that no one could ever imagine.

Realizing that I’ve found myself in the same rut, I’ve decided to make a conscious effort to do things just a little bit differently each day. Whether it’s going to a different gym in the network (incidentally, the Bare Hills Merritt is a Mecca for anyone wanting to learn about all things “Brangelina.”), taking a back-road home, or getting my news from MSNBC.com instead of CNN, these little changes are designed to break me out of the rut that I’m in and get me thinking again.

This morning, it was the coffee.

As you may know, ordering Starbucks coffee is something of an art form. Tom Hanks’ character in You’ve Got Mail said:
The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat, etc. So people who don't know what the hell they're doing or who on earth they are can, for only $2.95, get not just a cup of coffee but an absolutely defining sense of self: Tall. Decaf. Cappuccino.

Now I can make six decisions at once, and I’m comfortable with them. For me, it was always “Grande Skim, Sugar-free Hazelnut (sometimes Vanilla, but always sugar-free) Latte.” It’s comfortable, it rolls off the tongue, and it’s made life pretty easy. Because of the whole vanilla/hazelnut thing, I don’t have the luxury of walking into Starbucks and having my coffee ready for me as soon as I hit the door, but it’s pretty darn close. This morning, however, I decided to break the habit. This morning, I decided to order a different type of syrup in my grade skim latte. I was confident, I was ready. Sadly though, I was COMPLETELY CLUELESS ABOUT THE WHOLE ORDERING PROCESS. I had become so comfortable with the process that trying to shake it up, even a little, threw the entire thing off. When the cashier asked me what I wanted, I stared blankly at him. I didn’t know what size I wanted or the type of milk – and these decisions weren’t changing, only the syrup was. The ironic thing is that I’m convinced that if I had been fully awake and caffeinated (remember, folks, this was 5:45 AM), this wouldn’t have been an issue. However, considering that the only thing standing between caffination and me was my inability to order, I assure you that it was plenty frustrating. I could have returned to my “usual” order, and the barista (who, incidentally, was already holding a Grande cup and standing with her hand poised between Sugar-Free Hazelnut and Sugar-Free Vanilla) was clearly expecting me to do just that. Just in time, I recovered and stuck to my resolution.

And now, I sit here sipping my Grande Skim Almond Latte. It’s not the best cup of coffee in the world (My second choice was Raspberry, so I’ll try that next time), and it was a little harder to order than I would have liked. However, it’s made just the slightest, indescribable, difference in my day. As cheesy as it sounds, I’m proud of this little victory. This morning, at 5:45 AM, I broke out of autopilot and took the road less traveled by (for me anyway). And that has made all the difference.

Effective steps in dealing with IT...suggestions from one of the poor slaves in the biz

IT folks are traditionally the most under-appreciated people in an organization. Everyone seems to want to complain about the systems that we put out when more often than not, it's a lack of understanding of the system or an unwillingness to respond to requests for input that made the system that way. Due to budget and timing constraints, we can't spend our days chasing down users who we've asked to provide input on the new system but have refused to provide it. However, it HURTS when those same users turn around and tell everyone how much the system sucks. Moreover, 90% of the "problems" that are created are the direct result of someone not listening or reading the training materials provided. All last summer, I was catering to ONE SCHOOL who wouldn't be able to find their way out of a paper bag if you drew an arrow. I kid you not, I got at least 3 phone calls a day for a month with the same exact question. They clearly weren't listening. I'd call back or drive out there to help on my way home (after working for 8 hours!!), walk them through it, and instead of going "Ok, you walked me through the first two. I think I got it," they would make me stand there while they went through 25 kids the exact same way (and this takes a least an hour) with the same questions being asked at the same points and clearly no learning going on. Then, at the end of the session, they would go, "So when are you ever going to publish a manual?" When I told her that I would do it as soon as I stopped getting 25 calls a week, she accused me of being "unhelpful" and "mean." Un-freakin-believable.
If you want your IT department to respond positively, seriously, follow these steps...
1) Look online for help materials and read what's out there before calling. If you don't understand it, at least acknowledge that you've read it and ask specific questions. If we get enough questions, we can change the help materials, but we'd like to know that we've put out there has been looked at.
2) When you call, have a smile in your voice or sound desperate. We know you're frustrated, but we'd rather help a user who sounds nice than be yelled at.
3) Say please and thank you!!!! We're people, not your personal slaves. You'd be amazed how much this doesn't happen.
4) Don't tell us that our system sucks...ask politely for changes. You'd hate your boss to tell you that your work sucks...why wouldn't we feel any differently?
5) If you're a girl and you get an IT guy on the phone, flirt a little. Just trust me on that one.
6) If you must leave a message, please leave a message that gives a little information about what you're calling about. "Call me back" (note the lack of a please too!) doesn't get you nearly as far as "I did X and the system blew up. Can you please call ASAP??" does. More importantly, please give us a little time to call back. One user I have loves to call and then send an email to my boss if I don't call back within 5 minutes. Yes, I'm serious.
7) We need specifics. As soon as something happens, write down WHAT YOU WERE DOING WHEN IT HAPPENED. If you pressed a button, we need to know that. If you did something you shouldn't have been doing, DON'T TRY TO HIDE IT!! We can probably get you out of the mess, but you need to tell us what you did to get yourself in the situation. This is a time to be completely honest. Also, if you're in a database, let us know what record you were working with...sometimes someone has done something to that specific record and it's the only one that's acting weird.
8) Know what you're asking for. I answered a specific question for one user and then she called my boss's boss to complain that I didn't answer her question correctly. When I was getting in trouble with my boss, it turned out the question had changed. If you get the question answered and it's not what you wanted, it's not the fault of the IT person who didn't answer the question you didn't ask.
9) Learn the hours of your favorite IT person and respect those hours. I work from 6-2, so it's really frustrating to get a call at 1:59 with a question that could wait until the next day. If it's an emergency, by all means, please call. I'll stay as long as you need me to to help. However, if you just want to know how to do something that you don't have to do until next week or request changes to the system (or are calling to tell me that my system sucks!), please save it for another day. Leaving for the day after hearing that your work is terrible is downright depressing.
10) When you call with a question about the system, and it's possible to get in, please be in the system before calling. It saves time on the call if you're ready.
Following all of these simple steps will help you get a better response from your helpful and nice IT department.

Fun with Government Officials

After yet another morning spent at the light on Coldspring Lane and the JFX, I wrote a complaint letter to Mayor O'Malley about this whole light problem. Not one to write a normal letter, here's what I came up with...

How the Light Stole the Commute
With apologies to Dr. Seuss!

Every driver
Off Cold Spring
Liked driving a lot...
But the Light,
That lived just North of Cold Spring
Did NOT!

The Light hated driving!
The whole driving season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his bulb wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his bulb was too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his timer was two sizes too small.

But,
Whatever the reason,
His bulb or his timer,
He stood there on Cold Spring, hating the drivers.
Staring down from his perch with a sour expression
At the warm, seated drivers stopped in their progression.
For he knew every driver down on that JFX
Was exceedingly late and getting more and more vexed.
And the more that the Light thought of them getting to work
The more the Light thought, "I must act like a jerk!

"Why for forty-five years I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop the drivers from moving!...
But HOW?"
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE LIGHT
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" laughed that electronic fiend.
"I won’t ever, no never, NO NEVER turn green.”
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Grinchy trick!”
My bulb will not change, my timer won’t click!
“Those kids down at Poly, they think they’re so cool,
“I’ll stop them from ever getting to school!
“They’ll sit on the highway, not reading, not learning,
“And better and better, their gas will keep burning…”

"Pooh-pooh to the drivers!" he was grinch-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no light change is coming!
"They're just pulling up! I know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"Then the drivers on Cold Spring will all cry BOO-HOO!"
"That's a noise," grinned the Light,"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And the Light put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising out from a Jeep.
It started in low. And it wasn’t a beep...
Or a honk…why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so!
But it WAS merry! VERY!

He stared down at Cold Spring!
The Light popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every driver on Cold Spring, the tall and the small,
Was driving! Without any light change at all!
He HADN'T stopped traffic from moving!
IT MOVED!
In a manner of which a cop wouldn’t approve.
Cars at the light, that should have stayed still,
Moved, two by two, into traffic, at their drivers’ free will.

And the Light, with his light-top-up-high-on-the-bar,
Hung puzzling and puzzling: "How could go those cars?
They moved without warning! Those Fords and those Rangers!
Right out onto Cold Spring, ignoring the dangers!"
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Light thought of something he hadn't before!
"Those drivers on Cold Spring," he thought, "they simply don’t care
"They won’t let me stop them from getting somewhere!"
The drivers don’t really care if they’re hit,
All they’re thinking is “I don’t have time for this [edit].”

But the drivers in cars still remembered the dangers,
To their Volvos and Jettas, their Fords and their Rangers.
They thought, “I cannot sit by and stay mute
And let a bad light mess up my commute.”
And the drivers in cars, those Volvos and Jettas
Thought, “I know just the way to make it all better.
I’ll call up O’Malley and he’ll start to work
On timers too small and lights that are jerks!

And what happened then...?
Well...in Bawlmer they say
That Martin O’Malley, he saved the day!
The Mayor got that old light working right,
And traffic, it flowed, through the day and the night
And the drivers, they left that old JFX,
With less hassles and less of a chance of a wreck.

And those drivers, well they did much to remember
The work that O’Malley had done in November.
They drove to the polls, and there they concurred
That O’Malley should be our next governor!

A take your kid to work day poem

It’s 8 AM and all is well,
But this day soon is shot to hell.
Invaders from the kinder care
With plans your workday to impair!

You’re sitting quietly at your desk
But turn around to find a mess
Your plant uprooted and markers strewn
Around your peaceful office room.

The parents are at their last wits end
And pass them to you, their single friend.
They shout: “Entertain Joe or Bob or Billy!
You need the practice too, you silly.”

You grit your teeth and try to work
You resolve to call the pharmacy clerk.
No way in Hades will this happen to you
And you tell these wayward brats to “Shoo!”

Now kids are great, please let me say.
There’s just too many on this one day.
Small and mighty, they pack a punch.
Thank God, they’ll only stay through lunch.

The Americans' Creed

"I believe in the United States of America as a government of the people, by the people, for the people; whose just powers are derived from the consent of the governed, a democracy in a republic, a sovereign Nation of many sovereign States; a perfect union, one and inseparable; established upon those principles of freedom, equality, justice, and humanity for which American patriots sacrificed their lives and fortunes.

"I therefore believe it is my duty to my country to love it, to support its Constitution, to obey its laws, to respect its flag, and to defend it against all enemies."

-- Written 1917 by William Tyler Page, accepted by the United States House of Representatives on April 3, 1918.

I first saw these words yesterday while I was wandering around the Maryland State House, and for the past 24 hours, I've been wondering why Americans have never learned to recite these words as faithfully as they recite the Pledge of Allegiance. These words are, in my opinion, far less controversial than the pledge, and to my knowledge, they are the same words that Page inteded. The Pledge has been changed twice - with objections from Francis Bellamy and again by Bellamy's daughter - and now it's facing a third challenge. The original pledge failed in that it wasn't specific enough. In it's first incarnation, the pledge only said "my flag and the republic for which it stands." That was fine with Bellamy as he intended it to be a multi-use pledge for any citizen of any nation. When the US government decided that they needed to change it to "the flag of the United States of America," Bellamy objected. When, in 1952, President Eisenhower changed the pledge to include the words "under God," it was Bellamy's daughter's turn to object.

My problems with the pledge is that it aligns itself to a symbol of the country, not the ideals and principals that make the United States the great land it is today. A symbol is great, don't get me wrong, but you actually need that symbol in the room in order to pledge allegiance to it. The creed is different. It reminds us of why our forefathers and mothers risked life and limb to get here, it doesn't require a flag in the room, and it tells us what we should do to show our allegiance. It may be longer than the Pledge, but at least the content is clear.